


This is All There Really is to Say on the Matter

by ender



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-04 11:08:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ender/pseuds/ender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where Jade and Dave go to the same high school, Jade wears the pants in the relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The fill is here: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/11448.html?thread=18654392#t18654392

Your name is Dave Strider and for some odd reason, you feel strangely effeminate. Which is completely preposterous, of course, because you're the manliest guy ever. But, you know, ironically manly. After some deliberation, you decide that you are not being effeminate, you are just so ironically manly, that you're becoming ironically feminine. No big deal, you set records for irony everyday. Nothing really spurred you becoming so incredibly ironic, you were just born that way. No, nothing at all. Definitely not the fact that Jade brought you roses the other day, or the time that she carried your books for you and walked you to your class. That would be stupid and totally not ironic, and you are neither stupid nor not ironic.

You notice that you've been walking a bit more girly these past couple days, and Jade has been walking with a lot more swag than usual. No big deal, you're just being your regular ironic self, and she obviously grabbed a fucking pen and took notes on how to be a swag master. She won't be a master, of course, but she might get pretty close. You two have been talking recently, and it's been a lot of fun, and _oh God you are not blushing and giggling like and idiot stop that stop that right now._ You're ironic, but not that ironic. And you don't have a school girl crush right now. You may be breaking records in irony, but that level can only be achieved by someone like your bro. 

To continue your ironic exploits, you but a sewing kit from a nearby store and proceed to teach yourself how to make one of those squiddle things. You definitely do not plan on giving it to someone, you just think they're kinda way more cute than smuppets, and you are just being ironic. That's really all there is to say on the matter. You don't plan on giving the squiddle thing to anyone, because you are not a girl. You are a man. A manly man. An ironically manly man that's so ironic he's almost like a girl. That is you.

You manage to stab yourself a zillion times-- _oh gog you did not just say zillion_ \--even though the fucking label says that it's for ages six and up. The end product seems somewhat reminiscent of Charles Dutton, but that's okay. It's not like you planned to give it to someone, _right?_

Right.

You definitely don't have butterflies in your stomach, and if you did they would be _ironic_ butterflies and would _stop fluttering right about now._ And they wouldn't be butterflies fluttering because you're thinking of someone. No, no. They're fluttering because you just found some apple juice and it's like motherfucking Christmas up in here. Definitely not because a certain someone just messaged you.


	2. Chapter 2

GG: let's go to the movies tonight ;)

Okay. You are not flipping out. You are too cool to flip out. You're just slightly obsessing over what you should say and what you should where and how your hair looks and whether or not they will allow you to wear your shades if you're watching a 3D movie--

GG: i'll pick you up at 6 ;)

You are so ironic that you feel that it's okay if you flip out. You scream out your bro's name because you are being ironically feminine and it's okay to flip to and scream when you are being ironically feminine. (At least, that's what you think girls do. They scream and freak out, right?)

Your scream is so ironically feminine it could smash glass.

"Oh God damnit what now."

"I need to go to the mall and buy a new outfit and go to the gym and exercise and go to the hair stylist and--"

"Fuck man. Just tell me that you got asked out and you need to get ready because it's a pretty motherfucking big deal."

"It is not a big deal! It's just a casual movie going with a person who happens to be the opposite gender and I just happen to need a new outfi--"

"Wait. First things first. I need to meet this young woman who is in the process of courting and wooing my precious baby bro."

"I'm not a fucking baby and I'm not being courted or wooed. I obviously do the courting and wooing. Can't you tell from all my swag."

You think he rolls his eyes but you can't be sure.

" _Right._ I just need to have **the talk** with her first."

Oh God. The talk. If it's the talk you're thinking of, you definitely do not want him to have that talk with Jade. It would scare her off for ever and keep her from being wooed because let's face it. Even if you're being ironically feminine, you are still the man in the relati-- _You're getting ahead of yourself, Strider._ You two do not have a relationship. Yet. 

You try your best to get your bro to change his mind and stop him from having the talk with her. You honestly don't know how you can stop the talk from happening, but you have more important things to worry about. Like your hair. The state of you hair talks nags at you and you end up using all of your time trying to get it perfect. Before you know it, you hear the doorbell ringing and you are screaming like a maniac that you'll be the one to get the door. When you get to it, you take a moment to catch your breath so you are the coolest you can be before you open the door. The mirror next to the door catches your attention and you are about to attempt to style it once again, but Jade starts ringing the doorbell again. You steadily open the door, hoping that she can't tell how anxious you were for this not date thing.

"Hey Dave."

 _Oh, GOD you did not just swoon. No. No. You can buy all the sewing kits you want but you are not allowed to swoon. You have a penis. People with penises do not swoon. End of Discussion._ You want to physically slap yourself, but doing so in front of Jade would be stupid and oh gog she has flowers you are not swooning oh God oh God she's so fucking cute but you are not the swooner it is not who you are so stop that right now.

"Umm, hello? Earth to Dave! Your mouth is kinda hanging open. I mean, I understand that look amazing and everything but-- Oh! Hi Mr. Strider!!" She waves toward your bro. 

He's holding something up, but you can't really tell since it's pretty small and _oh God it's a ninja star oh God he is not about to throw that at Jade just look at him beckoning her in in the cool guy manner oh God he's about to have the talk with her._

You are mentally flipping tables everywhere as you see Jade hesitantly follow your bro into his room.

That's really all there is to say on the matter.


	3. Chapter 3

You stick your ear to the door and try to listen to the conversation, but you only catch a few words that kind of ironically scare you. Just some words like, "kill," "crazy," "murder," "gouge out eyeballs and stuff them down your throat." You think it's going better than you talk because he's not giving her the smuppet condoms like he gave you. At least you hope he's not.

When Jade wakes out, she is noticeably scared. You want to give her a hug, but you're not sure if still wants to go out on this not date after what your bro just told her. She grabs your hand and fast-walks out of the room. Apparently the not date is still on. You are so not blushing because she's holding your hand. Not at all.

When you get into the car, you see that she does, indeed, have the smuppet condoms. Your bro can send the strangest mixed messages. She sees you looking at the condoms and shoves it into your hands, saying that you'd probably need them a lot more than her. You want to explain to her that you totally don't do that and that you're a delicate flower that needs to be nurtured and shit and you are totally a virgin. You just don't want to seem like a ho bag. Not that you could be a ho bag because you have a penis. But she interrupts your train of thought by describing the movie you to are going to watch. She's so excited when she talks about it that it takes you a few minutes until you realize she is describing a horror movie. A really incredibly gruesome horror movie. You don't freeze up and become incredibly scared because you are already chill and totally not afraid of horror movies. Not at all.

Oh fuck it. It's like she chose this movie just to specifically freak you out. The killer looks like a fucking smuppet. You dig your face into her shoulder and are clinging onto her for dear life and are practically sitting on her lap with your arms wrapped around her neck. She whispers in your ear that your missing the really good part and look at that guy puking out his guts and all of it just makes you cling to her tighter. What are you doing. You have a fucking penis. Sit down properly and watch the fucking movie like a man.

You don't listen at all. Jade sighs and wraps her arm around your shoulder and comforts you like the motherfucking baby you are. Either that, or she's putting the moves on you, which would make her the one with the metaphorical penis in the relationship. You are actually okay with that. When it comes to Jade, you are okay with a lot of things that you usually aren't okay with. The movie ends and everyone leaves, but you are still on her lap, too comfortable to get off. She whispers your name and tells you that all the killing is done. You lift your head to look at her to see whether she is sincere or not because you can almost swear that the smuppet murderer thing is off in the corner planning your death. She smiles and those ironic butterflies are back in your stomach. She reaches up to your face and tentatively takes off your sunglasses. You protest a bit, but you don't really stop her. Instead, you take off her glasses as well. She stares into your red eyes and is almost entranced.

You feel a bit anxious. No one else has seen you without your shades except your bro and a couple of motherfuckers from preschool who made fun of your eyes. Jade doesn't make fun of you. Instead, she tips you head up the slightest bit and leans in. You take a few seconds to realize what's happening and you don't care that you're not the one doing the tipping and shit but instead focus on the fact that in a few seconds you'll be kissing Jade motherfucking Harley.

The kiss itself is soft and slow. You both take a moment to take a deep breath for the next one. It's noticeably much more rough and fast and Jade is the one doing all the leading. It's as if she's showing you what to do, even though you both know that this is her first time kissing and you've had so much more experience, not that your bragging or anything. You stop only because you've forgotten how to breathe and you don't want to die just yet. When you stop, Jade smiles and stands up while holding you like a baby in her arms. You protest, of course, but not to harshly. She gives you a little kiss and carries you all the way to the car. You pout and say that you're a man over and over but she feigns ignorance. 

She drives you two down to the beach and you both just sit there talking. You shiver in the cold, cursing yourself for forgetting your jacket when she shoves hers into your face. You try reject her, trying to be as gentlemanly as possible even though it's obvious you're the one with the vagina in the relationship, and she just shrugs and puts the jacket around both of you. Somehow, she manages to put her arm around you. This time, you are sure she is not trying to comfort you. She starts giving this big speech about how much she likes you and ends with asking you to be her gi-- _boyfriend._ You were not about to say girlfriend, that would be ridiculous. In response, you tell her to close her eyes, and she puzzlingly does so. You are about to kiss her when she smiles and she leans forward as if she knew what you were about to do. The surprise ended up off balancing both of you and you end up with her on top of you, laying on her stomach looking into your eyes. She frowns for a moment, and quickly snatches your glasses and runs off. You end up tackling her and, after much flailing of limbs, kissing her while she held your sunglasses out of reach.

You don't give two shits who the man of the relationship is, but instead just focus on being there with her.

And that's really all there is to say on the matter.


End file.
